If you learned anything from your parents about sex, it was probably an awkward "birds and bees" as just one big “the talk.” Experts agree that sex is something kids should always be learning about. We recommend weaving sex into everyday discussions, layering in more information over time and introducing certain concepts at specific ages. Framing body parts and the sex act as good gifts from God helps create a healthy view of sex rather than a dirty shameful view. No, talking about sex does not lead to earlier sexual activity.
From birth to age 2
Incorporate the proper names for genitals and body parts into everyday activities like bath time. Avoid using cutesy names. “Penis, vulva, vagina, clitoris, bum and nipples" are all terms that every toddler should know. They need these words to communicate health issues or injuries.
Teaching your baby the anatomically correct terms for her genitals might sound daunting, but be casual and treat those terms as you would the word “arm” or “ankle.”
Closer to age two, you can start talking to your kids about when and where it’s appropriate to explore their bodies. If your toddler has the tendency to touch his genitals—which is perfectly normal—use it as an opportunity to explain how that’s something we do in the privacy of our bedrooms. You don’t want your child to feel like he’s doing something shameful.
2 to 5 years old
A major focus for this age group is learning about boundaries and what is and isn’t appropriate when it comes to touching—or being touched—by other people. Lessons around sharing, touch, and asserting your own boundaries help to create a more intuitive understanding of consent.
Establishing that kids have a say over their own bodies also helps with keeping them safe. While you can skip the explicit details, now is when you should be telling your child that others should never ask to or try to touch their genitals. It’s important to convey that your kids can tell you about inappropriate actions at any time, even if they’ve previously kept it a secret.
At this age, kids can be very curious about each other’s bodies. Use it as an entry point to discuss your family’s rules and values. Talk to them explicitly about when it’s appropriate to be naked. And if you do catch your kids playing doctor, don’t freak out. Instead, discuss how it’s not appropriate to handle other people’s genitals, as these are very special parts of the body that shouldn’t be touched by others.
At this age, your child might begin asking how babies are made. The amount of detail one goes into really depends on how much you think your child can comprehend. If your child wants more information, you might try something like, “Two grown-ups, a husband and wife get their bodies together and share the sperm and the egg to make a child like you. It’s fine to tell your child that some details, like how sperm and egg meet, will be discussed later. It's just important not to lie. It’s important to actually follow up with those questions and not just refuse to talk about certain things.
I suggest exploring how babies are made by telling kids their own birth story, which lets you tailor the details to your family’s specific situation and giving God the glory for making such an amazing system of reproduction.
6 to 8 years old
At this age, it’s important to discuss how to safely explore digital spaces—even if your child won’t be using the internet unsupervised for a few more years. Establish rules around talking to strangers and sharing photos online, as well as what to do if your child comes across something that makes her feel uncomfortable. While you don’t need to pre-emptively explain pornography to kids yet , be prepared to have them stumble across it.
Calmly explain that those sorts of websites are about grown-ups something bad, you will want to state that these types of websites are just for adults.
This is also a good time to revisit masturbation since by age eight most children have begun to explore their bodies. Frame it as something that, while normal, is done in private, and don’t forget to address proper hygiene.
At this age, you can also speak more explicitly to kids about sexual abuse. It’s important for kids to know about this unfortunate reality in order to protect themselves or help a friend who experiences abuse. How detailed this talk gets really depends on your child.
Start with the basics, such as how no one should be touching them without their permission, then revisiting the subject a few days later to gauge what they understood and how they feel. If your child gets upset, you may want to hit pause on this topic until they’re a little older.
By now, it might be time to explain the actual mechanics of sex to kids. There’s nothing wrong with introducing this information earlier if your child seems ready for it, or delaying it a bit if you think they won’t comprehend it. To make this discussion easier on you, incorporate a good book that’s aimed at anticipating your child’s many questions.(see Restoredmentoring.com/resources)
Talking about sex can go hand-in-hand with another key topic: puberty. When kids are around age six, this can be a simple discussion about how bodies change as we grow. For example, you could compare photos of when they were little with what they look like now. You can save the more detailed puberty talk until just before your child or those in her peer group start experiencing it.
Girls can expect to start puberty between nine and eleven. For them, a key indicator that this change is underway is the development of breast buds. This change usually starts before age 10. Menstruation follows a few years later, usually around age 12 (though earlier isn’t uncommon). Boys tend to start puberty closer to 10, with pubic hair growth being the first clear sign.
When it comes to discussing puberty, you can share a good book with your child that can walk you both through puberty’s more technical aspects, such as the differences between testosterone and estrogen, and why and how our bodies undergo changes in hair, genitals, voices, etc. He also says to make this a general talk. It isn’t that girls get one lesson and boys get one lesson. Kids should learn not only about their own bodies, but also other bodies. While the detailed mechanics of puberty might be limited to one conversation, the impact of this transition should be an ongoing discussion.
9 to 12 years old
Most boys are exposed to pornography between 8-11. If you don't have the conversation early you can assume they already have. This age is full of emotional and social changes, and girls in particular may struggle with body issues. Check in with your children about how they’re feeling and what they’re wondering about. At this age, it’s really just emphasizing over and over again that it’s normal, when it comes to how their bodies are changing.
By 11, you want to start having conversations about sexual choices and safer sex. Research shows that teens make better choices when they know the risks.
Since this age group generally has more freedom online, it’s a good idea to periodically chat about internet safety and to build on your already established digital rules and values. For example, talk frankly about how sharing nude or sexually explicit photos of themselves or their peers may be illegal. They could be charged with making or distributing child pornography.
Ask your child “What do you think it means to be respectful on social media?" And when high-profile stories on sexting or online bullying are in the news, use them as jumping-off points to ask your child how they would handle similar situations.
Your teenager
Talking with your kids about sex, sexuality and sexual behaviors early in life pays off once they’ve hit their teens. If you’ve established yourself as open to discussing those topics, your kids are probably going to feel more comfortable talking to you and asking you questions.
But if you’ve been quiet on the subject of sex up till now, I recommend sitting down with your teen, apologizing, and stating that you’re changing your ways. Even just hearing that is really reassuring for most kids.
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